Books I've actually finished lately: 132

I FUCKING LOVE JUICE.

Theory of knowledge

FRENCH TEACHER*: Seven across: 'revered philosopher'.
PE TEACHER: Clarkson.

- Big School

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* Don't bother...

Shakespeare - in context

To wit, or not to wit, that is the question...

Books I've actually finished lately: 80

Because if you haven't read Tristram Shandy, you are not yet born.

The wit of JM Coetzee

Though Whitman gives the impression that he witnessed the assassination of Abraham Lincoln in Ford’s Theater and provides a dramatic description of the event, he was not in fact there. But he did believe he enjoyed a special relationship with Lincoln. Both men were tall. 

- JM Coetzee, in the NYRB

Can there be any job lower

- and, to be clear, I do mean morally - than being the wankstain who editorialises totally self-explanatory 'humour' memes for the internet's retarded readership?

'We DO NOT accept poetry or short stories.'

Please don't call and say "I know you don't accept poetry, but I'd just like to read you this funny poem I've written anyway." That would be greatly appreciated.

- The Oldie, submissions guidelines ('What we DON'T want')

Which realisation (#tag)

['Hashtag' oddness - part 3] has now served to completely ruin this otherwise extremely funny Late Night with Jimmy Fallon sketch that up until about five minutes ago I used to venerate.

Such is life.

Books I've actually finished lately: 56

Books I've actually finished lately: 54

Thing there should be on the internet:

James Joyce-type random obscenity generator.*

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* Idea going for 15% cut of all profits.

9f

Ask me what nine times f is... It's fleffety-five.

- Silicon Valley

VEEP book-signing (Hillary Clinton eat your heart out)

1) WOMAN: Can you write: 'To Alice... This is to get you back.'? 

2) SELINA: Look at us. You pretending to be me signing a book I didn't even write.
      BEN: It's politics in a nutsack.

3) SELINA: What d'you think of that title?
      BEN: Well, you're so full of shit there's a colon right smack-dab in the middle.

- VEEP, 3:1

'Subtext' (v. 'predictive text')

[Untitled]*

I think I am going to have to buy this book.

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* 'Anticipation is everything!'
- Abraham Lincoln

Abbr.

It’s really self-defeating if I have to explain abbreviations to you... FFS!

- The Thick of It, 3;7

Consider the retweets

Think Mrs Townsend would've been proud.

Advice for life

One must be poet enough not to disturb the ceremony, yet the jester must always be lying in ambush.

- Søren Kierkegaard, The Seducer's Diary

Books I've actually finished lately: 14

Ruth put a comforting hand on Albert's. He smiled, but he subtly pulled his hand away. Not because he didn't appreciate Ruth's attempt, but rather because he knew how many local rectums her fingers had been inside. Is it rectums or recta? he wondered. What's the plural? Perhaps tomorrow he would ride over to the next town and see if they had a dictionary. He would look up the plural of rectum. That would be a fun day.

- Seth MacFarlane, A Million Ways to Die in the West

The wellspring

I know how you feel. Sure, it hurts now; but over time you'll learn to turn that pain into biting sarcasm which you'll use to hurt others.

- Rules of Engagement