Top tip

Don't fall over.

- woman to husband, outside the Coliseum

Is there

anything more asinine than saying to a Literature teacher 'You like to read a lot, don't you?'

Get married, son;

put yourself out of your misery. Indonesia, Southern China, Vietnam - find a hot girl, marry them,* stop worrying about it.

- Advice given, loudly, in The Cricket Club

* her

Words heard

You know the really crappy coffee shop at Auschwitz?

- rich stupid girl, Chandos pub.