Ancient texts (sacred and - mostly - profane): 1

Long-since-contextless stuff found on my old phone (the one I dropped into a urinal at the Tabasco Lunch, 2008):

It seems there is a Post-Colonialism seminar after all. First session: 'Clitoridectomy, Nationalism, Prostitution and Translation in Ngugi's fiction'.

- AC, scholar

The lovely, tall, blonde air hostess' arse is rubbing against my shoulder. Thanks again for the lift.

- JS, emigrant and brother

I just woke up in a hotel room in Birmingham next to a nameless naked girl.

- DSH, predator

Have stolen booze from a hotel and priest in one evening, so yes.

- CG, Anglican

As excuses go, 'I can't, I'll be in Kazakhstan' has a certain ring to it.

- AC, ex-girlfriend

and my favourite, I think:

Hope you're not too drunk

.- RL, optimist